Saturday Sample, Advent Calendar by Dianne Stadhams, hot chocolate (2024)

Saturday Sample, Advent Calendar by Dianne Stadhams, hot chocolate (1)


Dianne Stadhams

Day 1:

We went to church that day, me, my wife Rhonda and thedog Rhyll. I know, I know... who has a dog with a name like that... and whotakes a dog to church? Rhonda does and what Rhonda wants she gets. I could haveput up a fight but what’s the point? A miffed wife equals a misery life. Rhyllalways sides with her mistress and has been known to nip my heels to showsupport.

‘Never... Rhyll doesn’t bite. Do you my precious pooch?’ mywife replied as she cuddled her mutt. ‘You must have got your feet under her atthe wrong moment. She likes her space. You know that.’

That dog gets more affection than I’ve ever collected... evenin the early days of our getting together when sex was on the agenda.

The priest likes Rhyll and Rhonda. Rhonda does the flowers for the church. She bakes him a cake everyweek. So do four of the other middle-aged women in the congregation. It’s asort of best of the bake off. He’s a fat, canny bastard. Always praises themequally but never in the same breath. Keeps them at their ovens, sugaring hispath to heaven. Except for Lent when he loses a kilo or two. But then it’sdouble do after as the four compete to swamp the good father with chocolateporn.

Not Carol though. She doesn’t do anything for the churchexcept turn up for services and light a candle as she leaves.

Rhonda and I never sit near Carol. She hates dogs. I askedher once if the candle was in remembrance of her husband. The look she flashedsuggested her dead hubby rated right down there with dogs.

After church we walked home through the forest. Rhonda keptRhyll on the lead.

‘They’ve spotted wild boar,’ she explained. ‘We don’t wantRhyll hurt. You know what those feral pigs are like.’

Now that’s worth aprayer. Three Hail Marys for the swines.

Back home Rhonda got out three advent calendars and placedthem on the marble mantelpiece amidst the fake holly and plastic pinecones. Sheopened the first door on each calendar and handed me a chocolate wrapped in redfoil, another for herself and to Rhyll a plain, bone-shaped chocolate.

‘I thought chocolate was like poison for dogs,’ I said.

Rhonda smiled and replied, ‘Not these. I got these at thepet shop. Just for doggies. You wouldn’t want my baby to miss out, would you?’

Want to make a bet?

Rhyll growled.

That damn dog ispsychic.

Day 2:

I saw Carol today. She was in the delicatessen sectionof the supermarket. I was buying six cans of pedigree dog food.

She smiled.

I walked up to her. She smelt of lavender. She was buyingFrench air-dried salami. It’s made from pork.

Rhonda hates the French. She says it’s because of whathappened to her on a school trip... my lips are sealed.

Light bulb moment.Supermarket to super plan.

Day 3:

Rhyll is a cockapoo. The clue to her temperament liesin the third syllable.

Facts about poo breed dogs. They all have genes frompoodles. Poodles were originally hunting dogs. They’re intelligent... soRhyll’s breeder said.

If Rhyll is typical she’s inherited the possessive,arrogant, finicky traits of the poodle combined with the yappiness and stenchof cocker spaniels.

Rhonda wants Rhyll to be a mother.

Bitches...both ofthem.

Day 4:

‘Are you stalking me?’ Carol laughed.

‘It’s free forest,’ I smiled. ‘Walk this way often?’

‘Most days. I’m fascinated by the wild boar.’

‘Me too,’ I lied.

Note to self. Researchferal pigs.

Day 5:

Did you know pigs are omnivores? That means they eatanything... even poo.

Day 6:

I got our credit card statement today. Our money isheld in a joint account. I earn it. Rhonda spends it. Last month she spent £400on hairdressing. £100 pounds kept her roots blonde. The other £300 meant Rhyllsmelt like any pampered pooch would if it had a conditioned wash and blow dryevery Saturday... in preparation for Mass.

I fed Rhyll a real chocolate drop... after the adventcalendar doggy-do one... when Rhonda wasn’t looking. I swear Rhyll winked.

There are many ways to skin a cat...or a cockapoo. Watchthis space mutt head.

Day 7:

I bought a lavender bush today. Rhonda was furious.

‘I hate lavender,’ she shouted.

I know.

‘Lavender represents purity, silence, devotion serenity, graceand calmness,’ I replied.

‘Where did you learn that?’Rhonda asked.

Carol told me when I said her perfume blew me away.

I shrugged.

My sources are secret.

Rhyll sat on my slippers andfarted.

Day 8:

‘Why are you interested in wild boar?’ I asked Carolwhen I accidently on purpose collided with her in the forest.

‘Long story,’ she said.

‘Extended walk,’ I replied, ‘tell me all.’

‘I thought you said you were into wild pigs,’ Carol said whilecollecting dropped pine cones and loading them into her lime green rucksack.She loves colour, my Carol does. Today she is wearing a hot pink puffa jacketand turquoise laces in her walking boots. Her red hair is curly, piled highlike a pineapple. I can imagine her as an exotic fairy blown off course fromthe tropics.

‘You tell me yours and I’ll show you mine,’ I replied.

I’m not sure she heard because she launched straight into alecture. Everything from legislation on wild mammals to European distributionstatistics regarding herds from Germany to the Forest of Dean... a right boreon boars.

‘Nothing I can add,’ I said.

Day 9:

Cockapoos suffer from eye and joint problems. Rhyll hashad a number of visits to the vet over the last six weeks. Today I got the bill...£500. Seems that mutt has got glaucoma in her its eyes, hip dysplasia andsuspect kidneys.

Rhonda is beside herself with angst.

So am I. That bitch is going to cost me £150 per month inmedication for the rest of her life. That’s in addition to the grooming.

Rhonda tells me she’s heard of a therapist who specialisesin dog massage.

What can I research ondog euthanasia?

I feed Rhyll a large bar of high percentage, cocoa chocolatewhen I take her for a walk.

Rhonda gives her a cuddle and the dog choc from the canineAdvent calendar.

Note that star in theEast mutt head? This wise man has your number.

Day 10:

Rhonda went to the clean the church after we had thedaily offerings from the advent calendar with our morning coffee.

I drove to four supermarkets and bought a six pack of largesweet corn cans from each.

‘Why did you buy so many?’ Rhonda asked.

‘Organic fertilizer,’ I replied.

‘So how does that work out alongside the slug pellets andweed killer?’ Rhonda snapped.

Day 11:

I went to mid-week Eucharist with Rhonda... and Rhyll.

When the priest talked about the communion ritual with thebread and wine representing the body and blood of Christ I felt quite uplifted.My very own sign that I was on the right path.

Halleluiah!

Rhonda smiled as I drank the wine and held my handafterwards in the pew.

Rhyll snarled silently, her mutt lips taught with resentmentat Rhonda’s touch.

Amen!

Day 12:

Did you know that sweetcorn is popular inhogbaits,becausehogscaneasily recognize the smell? Corn ferments after it’s soaked for several days,creating a smell that willattracthogsbut keep other animals, such as deer, away.

Day: 13:

‘I really like walking and talking with you, Carol,’ Isaid, ‘I mean REALLY, REALLY like.’

‘I enjoy it too,’ said Carol.

‘Perhaps we could have a drink together at the Miners’ Armsafter our walk?’ I suggested.

Carol replied, ‘I know you follow me.’

Was that look on herface a flirt or a smirk?

‘I like you,’ I said.

‘I like you too.’

‘Then it’s a date?’

Day: 14

Another day, another bar of chocolate for Rhyll whenRhonda wasn’t looking.

Rhyll cocked her head to one side but quaffed it anyway.

Score one to me.

Day: 15

The highlight of my day was watching Carolphotographing wild boar. I hid behind the oak trees.

Watch and learn.

Day: 16

Rhonda baked a cake for the priest and took fresh hollyand mistletoe to the church.

Was the priest goingto get lucky and score a kiss?

I went to check the sweet corn... fermenting nicely.

Day: 17

Rhyll is getting used to our clandestine arrangement. Igave her two blocks of finest Columbian dark chocolate today.

Day: 18

I suggested a long walk in the woods with Rhyll toRhonda. She wasn’t sure it was a good idea given Rhyll was off her food.

‘Fresh air and a good run will do her a power of good,’ Iargued.

‘We’d better keep her on the lead. I hear the wild boar areon the rampage,’ Rhonda advised.

Live in hope.

‘You’re in an odd mood today,’ Rhonda mused when I told herof a new route through the forest that I had discovered.

Last supper... for youand the pigs.

Day: 19

I went to the Miners’ Arms. I spotted the hot pinkpuffa jacket straight away and headed to the table.

‘Liz will be pleased to put a face to your name,’ Carolreplied as she carried a pint back from the bar.

‘Who’s Liz?’

‘My girlfriend, she owns the pub. I met her through theAssociation of Shooting and Conservation.’

Confused? Perfectionis hard to imagine.

Day: 20

I reported her missingto the police.

‘Your wife done this before?’they asked.

‘She has had her moments,’ Iagreed, ‘but she usually lets me know when she’ll be back.’

‘She got family she might goto?’ asked the police.

‘No, there’s just us... and ourdog.’

They asked about our sociallife.

‘Jealous type?’

‘No, not really. There aremore women than men in our congregation. Rhonda and I talk to everyone.’

I left it with them. Theycontacted me later in the day and said the priest had mentioned I was friendlywith church goer Carol.

Confession good for soul, you pious prick?

‘Carol doesn’t have much to do with Rhondaoutside of services,’ I said.

‘But you do?’ asked thepolice.

‘We often bump into eachother when we’re out walking.’

‘You see this Carol withoutyour wife around?’ they asked.

‘I’ve had a drink with her inthe pub,’ I admitted.

‘Your missus upset aboutthat?’

‘Not really,’ I replied.‘Carol’s gay.’

Day: 21

I read on the Internetthat if you cut up a corpse into six pieces, sixteen hungrypigs cango through 90 kilos ofmeat in abouteight minutes.

Rhonda weighed 60 kilos. Thesweet corn slop weighed a kilo. I just spread it over her body, like a balm.The boar tusks were more efficient than a meat cleaver.

Damn dog escaped. Took mehalf an hour to catch her.

I took Rhyll back to thehouse and fed her chocolate... a lot of it.

Comfort food.

Day: 22

Rhyll rolled in wild boar poo during our walk.

Whoever said a dog isa man’s best friend lied.

I doused Rhyll in lavender oil when we returned to thehouse.

Sweet revenge.

Rhyll bit me.

Bitch!

I gave her my your-days-are-numbered look.

Rhyll rolled on the newly planted lavender bush and squashedit.

No dinner for Rhyll but I gave her the dog chocolate fromthe advent calendar along with a chocolate laxative for humans.

Who laughs last laughslongest.

Day: 23

No news of Rhonda, thepolice informed me.

Three members from thecongregation visited.

Carol didn’t.

Day 24:

I went to Midnight Mass. The priest mentioned me in hisprayers.

Another ritual...whatever makes him happy.

People mostly avoided my eyes when they offered theircondolences.

‘I’m sure she’ll be back. Menopause is a difficult time forwomen,’ one of the cake bakers said.

‘May the Lord be withyou,’ the priest blessed.

I sincerely hope Heleaves me alone.

‘How is poor Rhyll coping?’ another of the cake bakersasked.

Home alone yapping herhead hoarse.

‘Rhyll will always be welcome in my church,’ the priestwhispered.

Dog collars united.

‘You should have brought her to mass,’ someone said. ‘She’ssuch a sensitive soul.’

Since when did poodogs get souls?

Day 25:

Rhyll and I started with the last chocolate from allthree advent calendars. Doors opened sesame. No more surprises. Rhyll gotdouble dos and ate Rhonda’s. No need to be wasteful.

I switched on the television to watch the carol service. Thedog hates singing. I turned the volume up full blast.

Silent Night.

It seemed a shame to waste a good festive dinner. So Ishared some with Rhyll. Fed it to her on Rhonda’s plate, turkey with all thetrimmings. I want to fatten Rhyll up. Those wild boar deserve a decent morselfor a good New Year’s Day.

She barked when the doorbell rang.

Oh God, please don’tlet it be that damned priest.

The two policemen at the door didn’t like Rhyll either. Shesnapped at their heels.

Fat lot of luck, mutthead. These pigs wear serious boot leather. Lose a tooth!

The two policemen asked to come in. Seems they want to askme some more questions about my absent wife.

Hors d’œuvrésofficers… wild boar salami? Special Christmas resolution… recipe courtesy ofRhonda.

About the author

Dianne Stadhams is an Australian, resident in theUK, who works globally in marketing and project management. With a PhD invisual anthropology she has used creative tools - drama, dance, radio, video -to empower others in some of the world's poorest nations. She believespassionately that the arts are valuable tools to promote social cohesion,provoke debate and influence attitudes, mind sets and actions. www.stadhams.com

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Saturday Sample, Advent Calendar by Dianne Stadhams,  hot chocolate (2024)
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